Look! They Got Toes!

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a fashion fanatic, so when foot apparel butts heads with human evolution, well … I’m one of the last to know about it. With this in mind, imagine for a moment my surprise when while walking past the shoe department of one of our local stores I happen to notice a pair of shoes with “actual” toes. My first reaction was, “What the fuck?”

Being a person who is easily overcome by the minutia of an ordinary life, I was therefore obliged to give due consideration to the most obvious question, which is: Why? Why shoes with toes? Most directly to the point, which is: Why shoes? Period! I had always assumed that we wore shoes because shoes are good for us and because shoes set us apart from other species of life with the possible exception of horses.

Over the years I haven’t spent a whole lot of time thinking about shoes. When I was a kid growing up in Kansas I was glad to have a pair since our yard was filled with sandburs. What kind of shoes didn’t matter, so long as I could run haphazardly about our property without feeling pain. I remember when I reached the fifth or sixth grade I asked for a pair of motorcycle boots. Somehow it made it more cool to be riding a bicycle everywhere if you were equipped with a pair of black leather motorcycle boots. Incidentally, I also thought it would be cool to chew tobacco at that age until I tried a chunk of it and wound up laying on the family couch with a cold washcloth on my forehead and a bowl balanced on my chest, just in case I had to throw up.

Entering junior high school (that’s what we called middle school back in the dark ages) I was told I would be needing a pair of tennis shoes to keep in my gym locker. My mother bought me a pair of those canvass tennis shoes and I thought that was okay. Michael Jordan hadn’t been born yet; Nike was only a rocket that kept blowing up each time we launched it; and Adidas was just one more Spanish sounding word.

In high school shoes became more important. Shoes were a direct reflection of social status, athletic ability, grade point average, and how successful you were with the opposite sex. The quality of shoes mattered, to a degree, but the most important thing about shoes was that you definitely needed three pair. A well equipped high school student had school shoes, after school shoes, and special occasion or “dress up” shoes.

With some tweeking, the three shoe concept carries over into adulthood and married life if you are a male. Depending on climate and age, men sometimes need a fourth pair of shoes (sandals or slippers). In the case of women, the number of necessary shoes is usually multiplied by a factor of no less than three with color, heel, and toe being the variable factors.

Now, in the year 2011, we come to the age of shoes with toes. It seems shoe designers have joined forces with science and medicine and the result of this merger is that we’ve finally decided it’s better for us if we run barefoot than if we run in conventional running shoes. I’m told that if I run in running shoes my foot falls first upon my heel and that can cause a shit load of damage to my body, over time. If I run barefoot, my foot will fall first on my toes with the force of the landing spread among them resulting in less stress on my body, over all … over time. Not that any of this matters at all to me since I stopped running at about the age of fourteen and these days only wear shoes with toes when I dress up like a clown.

So what is the answer to that most obvious question: Why?

Well, it’s not because of sandburs. Shoes without toes have been protecting us from sandburs for at least the last sixty years. And it’s not because we’re trying to look more like other species of animals. About the only people who are succeeding at doing that are politicians. I don’t even think it’s because scientists and doctors have suddenly discovered the benefit of running on our toes.

I think it’s just those wild and crazy guys who are in the business of making shoes. Next thing you know they’ll be putting toes in at least three varieties of shoes. There will be the “school or work” shoes with toes. There will be the “After school or after work” shoes with toes. And then there will be the “Special Occasion or Dress Up” shoes with toes for the fancy dress balls and evening at the theatre. How cool will that be? And that’s just for us guys! Imagine what they will be able to do for the women! What the fuck?

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